The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing Paperback – September 1, 2004

This book is NOT about BLAME. If you're hoping to get a glimpse of who's at fault, this book will not make sense to you. Truth can be harsh but not Henry's words. This book was written with compassion from both sides. If you had stayed open and finished the book, you can walk away with great understanding of you & your partner's circumstances, and be rewarded with ways that will work in a relationship troubled by an emotionally unavailable or passive-aggressive partner. Like I did.The only reason I wrote this review is I truly hope it can help you as it did for my marriage.However, this book is by no means the bible. It forms a great foundation for understanding an emotionally unavailable partner. As every relationship can be complex with different dynamics going on at the same time, you will need to supplement your reading. I found "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler a good complement for more indepth understanding. Together, both books SAVED my marriage.I read Henry's book when I was ready to leave my husband of almost 7 years. I had walked out before but stayed on when he made promises. Feeble initial attempts were made but his promises were unfulfilled. So our relationship dragged on.These behavior patterns were in Henry's book. One BIG takeaway from Wetzler's "Living with the P-A Man" book is setting CLEAR Boundaries and STICKING to it. Though I gave my husband a second chance, I didn't insist on sticking to our therapy sessions, something which he had fought me for years. Our initial gains in therapy were lost when my husband was laid off for half a year. We didn't picked it up again when our financial situation recovered. It wasn't a terrible marriage so we just put up with each other. We avoided real conversations to stay away from potential conflicts. But we were further disconnected. I am my husband's opposite, I am sociable, have lots of friends and love exploring. So I was lonely in my marriage.Both books saved me from walking out. We are now going back to therapy and will remain committed to it.This book can move your relationship to a more compassionate ground, and hence be more fulfilling. It will serve you well in understanding the source of the problem, point out how you got there and guide you how to overcome it from both perspectives. Henry wrote with compassion, yet she made no excuse for behaviors that didn't work. Doesn't matter which side of the camp you're on, you will be held accountable for your actions/ behavior.I finally saw the wounded little boy in my passive-aggressive husband. My anger melted. I was able to "respond" rather than "react" to my husband's carelessly-strewn mean remarks. I was able to express my feelings of hurt calmly instead of jumping in and escalating the stakes. I did not play victim but responded with compassion.Either he saw my resolute in leaving or the change in my behavior or both, he became less passive-aggressive. Now he is more engaging and reflective in his words. We are now communicating openly and honestly. Finally!For those who complained that the book does not teach you how, I strongly disagree. I was able to use her "respond" versus "react" tactics to my advantage. Her explanations were so clear that I knew what to do and got positive results immediately. Initially I had to hide this book because my husband would get upset with the "men-bashing" title. Now I was able to give him the book and encouraged him to read it. He was hesitant but said yes. He hadn't picked up the book yet but I am encouraged. I am thankful my man is already going to therapy. One step at a time.I am in a good space now and my relationship is growing nicely. Thank you Patti Henry.For those who did not resonate with the book, keep searching, you'll find the answer.

A compassionate, enlightening, and hopeful book, highly recommended even if you're not sure this situation applies in your relationship (whatever the gender mix). It is two books in one, one addressed to the man (that should also be read by the woman) and a shorter one addressed to the woman. It draws back the curtain on why some men act emotionally remote at times and the things their partners do that can drive them deeper in the wrong direction. This small book presents a wealth of psychological insight with remarkable clarity and compassion, and that is so welcome when things have been confusing. It is very well written, and feels like having the author there counseling you (both parties). She is direct and does not mince words when that is needed, but is always encouraging and empowering. She is clearly on your side, on both your sides, and offers some concrete and practical suggestions for progress.Most importantly, the book shows you that however difficult your situation, when there is real desire for change and you are better able to understand what causes the problems, there is hope for the future. It is true to its subtitle: "A blueprint for healing", and that is what drew me strongly to the book in the first place. It is for people who believe and hope and want for things can be better, and shows how you can prepare yourself for a better life, and inspire and make it safe for your partner to do the same. Yet it doesn't say you should stay forever with someone who can't or won't make the effort to grow with you; it does also talk about how to decide if it's time for you to let go.When I picked up the book I wasn't sure this book applied exactly to my situation, but was hoping to find some help. Reading the men's part gave me a lot more compassion and understanding for my partner, and also brought to light some factors that I hadn't been aware of (childhood ADD that may still be affecting his adult life). Reading the woman's part, I realized that I too have parts of me that need more healing and that were being triggered by my partner's behavior. It reminded me of things I am apt to loose sight of--that I need to voice my needs and wants and establish healthy boundaries for myself--for both our sakes--and to remember that we are both worthy to live a happy and fulfilled life. If these are your goals, this book is also for you.

I've read dozens of self-help books. There are always those which stand out and this is one of them. It not only explains the core reasons for a man's unavailability but it outlines how he can change it and how his wife can change her own behavior to stop the vicious circle of withdrawing in him and raging in herself. This is not another "here's the problem...here's how it happened" sort of book. It gives many, many concrete exercises and tools to use to correct these problems for those who want real change in their marriages.Unfortunately, I didn't have this book when I first got married and it took my husband's affair with a sociopath to wake him up. He is now finally making the core changes that I have been trying to get him to make for years. Through this I have also found that I needed to change. Every affair is the 100% responsibility of the betrayer but both husband and wife contribute in some way to the fertile ground that leads to an affair. I had read that many times and didn't believe it (I was hurt and felt justified) until I read this book.I now see, not how I caused him to go in that direction, but how I could have prevented it had I the right tools. Men don't enter affairs for sex as many think. They enter it for validation, and while I was validating him on one hand , I was invalidating him on the other. He, being emotionally immature, didn't have any tools either. He chose a path that allowed him to stay emotionally unavailable and validated at the same time. Don't let this happen to you. If your husband is struggling with these issues and has given any sign that he's interested in changing, get this book! It's a real eye-opener.