The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

In 2011, our family adopted a 7 year old boy who had spent his life in and out of foster care. We knew that bonding with him and meting his needs would take a lot of unconditional love and patience. We quickly learned that we also needed some different tools than parenting our older biological kids. One of the first books I picked up was The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. She addressed the effects of trauma and attachment challenges and introduced us to the concepts of TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention). We learned to look past our child’s behavior and see how afraid he was. We learned to put connection with him first and began to build a relationship where he would feel safe. I was able to take some further trainings in a conference and class setting. I also began to follow the resources of experienced special needs parents, such as Lisa Qualls of One Thankful Mom. Lisa has been an example of perseverance and dedication to meeting the needs of her family and I have learned a lot from her. She and Dr. Purvis began this book many years ago and Lisa has been able to complete after Dr. Purvis passed away in 2016. There has been a lot of scientific research in the areas of trauma and attachment and I have been looking forward to both the challenge and encouragement of The Connected Parent. Our son is now 16 and has been with us for 9 years. He continues to grow and thrive and trust us more, even as he works through the difficulties of his past. I’m so thankful for the connected approach and not sure where we would be without it.In The Connected Parent, you will find science based information interspersed with stories from Lisa’s family. Each chapter has key takeaways and questions for reflection and action. The reader is challenged to identify their own attachment style and where they need support or healing from their own past. There are many practical ways to incorporate connection throughout the day. We are given short, simple scripts to use. I appreciated the suggestions for teens as we have outgrown the ones we used when our son was young. You will learn what needs may be behind your child’s behavior, how to create feelings of safety and bonding experiences, the four pieces of healthy attachment, the balance of structure and nurture, how to identify sensory needs, and a challenge to incorporate self-care.The Connected Child had been the top book I have recommended to anyone adopting or involved in the lives for kids “from hard places”. Now I will add The Connected Parent as an excellent resource. I believe it will benefit any parent seeking to build a safe and trusting relationship with their child.

I like that this book gives some practical advice on how to apply TBRI at home. Love it paired with the Connected Child.

I was so looking forward to the release of this book. I am happy to report that I was not disappointed.As an adoptive mom I've read a lot of adoption and attachment books. I am an avid reader and learner. I truly find the subject fascinating. However, some books on adoption I've found to be a bit challenging to get through. While informative they can be a bit dry, delve too much into the brain science for the layperson and especially so for the tired, worn out adoptive parent. If any of this resonates with you, this book will be a breath of fresh air!Dr. Purvis brings us just the right amount of science to have understanding and compassion for our kids from hard places and Lisa brings just what we all need to hear as an experienced mama of many. She gives us real-life examples of attachment strategies that are easy to implement in our homes. BUT, most importantly, in my opinion, she shows us how to have realistic expectations and GRACE for ourselves and kids. Many adoption books fall short on this end. I read them and feel a ton of pressure to get it right. Lisa's transparency and encouragement come through in every chapter. You will feel like you have a trusted friend talking you through it and saying "I've been there too." and "You can do this." No one can be the perfect parent and Lisa shows us so much grace in the journey. And even when it feels too hard or hopeless there is ALWAYS hope.Some of my favorite quotes "We must not look at parenting with a mindset of success or failure." And "Shame will steal our joy and the ability to appreciate our kids for who they are if we let it. Let's be kind to our children and ourselves because, well, sometimes life is just hard."I'm so thankful to these wonderful ladies for persevering through years and unforeseen tragedies to get this book into our hands. I know many families will benefit from their shared wisdom and grace.

The insights, compassion, and advice given by Dr. Purvis and Lisa Qualls in The Connected Parent has brought renewed hope to our family. As a mother of 3 children by birth and 2 by adoption, I was losing my way in this parenting journey. I was blessed to receive a review copy of this book, and our family has already started on a path of healing, renewed compassion, and hope as we put into practice the wholesome advice given along with the real-life examples shared in the book. May all who read it be similarly renewed, encouraged, and strengthened!

I wish this book had been written nine years ago when we first brought our child home! I have only recently heard of TBRI principles and this book has been invaluable in helping me develop a ‘toolbox’ of skills to help meet the challenges of parenting a child from a very difficult background. Written both from the perspective of a parent and a professional practitioner it provides empathetic, coherent and accessible strategies for addressing so many of the challenges we meet when parenting children with complex trauma. I have already, in a few short days, seen the benefit of using ‘scripts’ with my tweenie daughter. I fully believe this book should be required reading for every prospective adopter and social worker involved in family placement.

Wow! What a fantastic book! I couldn't put it down! If you care for children that have suffered trauma and have attachment difficulties this is wonderful book to help you make loving connections with the child. What an amazing women Dr. Karyn Purvis was and Lisa Qualls explains so well how these "children from hard places" can be understood and healed with love, nurture, respect by making healing connections.